Thursday, September 25, 2008

Marriage & Long-Term Relationships at Duke

At Duke, it would seem that the closest we ever get to married undergraduates is through the 30 minutes when we might catch an episode of MTV's "Engaged and Underaged." The visibility of marriage at Duke is extremely low. No one I talked to was significantly connected to anyone who was married at Duke, and rarely had people even known of someone who was married at Duke. As a more realistically visible 'significant' relationship we might think of long-term, monogamous relationships. The majority of people that I talked to about marriage and long-term relationships at Duke did not believe that Duke offered a truly unique perspective on either of these topics.


Elizabeth, a senior who has been in a long-term relationship since sophomore year of high school, said she could never imagine marrying as an undergraduate. While she plans to be married about a year and a half out of college, she said, "I think when people get married in college it must be motivated by something other than love because why can't you just wait? Especially at a school like Duke, you are both successful, and you are both going places, so why can't you just hold on until you graduate. I've known since I've been at school that I'm going to marry my boyfriend, but I'm not rushing now. There is a time and a place for that and I just don't feel that it is in college." It seemed, for many Duke students that marriage is something that would never even enter into the realm of day-to-day discussions; students view it as being 'so far away.' 

Marc, who was in a long-term relationship prior to Duke and has since entered into another long-term relationship said, "if I were to think about married couples at Duke, I would say that there would have had to have been extenuating circumstances that forced them into marriage, such as an unplanned pregnancy, or they come from a significantly different background than me and most Duke students (as in an extremely religious family where marriage is encouraged at this age,) or I would say they are non-traditional college students who are significantly older than the 'average' undergraduate. I think that couples at Duke place a high priority on their education first and foremost." 

The common definition of a long-term relationship was a committed relationship between two people who had been exclusively seeing each other for an extended period of time-- typically beyond six months. Many people felt that there was a lack of long-term relationships on campus, but that in general, they have a high visibility and are certainly not 'unheard of.' Potential reasons for a lack of long-term relationships acknowledged the potential difficulties in balancing friendships with a relationship and a potential lack of confidence in situations other than with your significant other.

Of the two people I interviewed extensively, both said a majority of their friends were not in long-term relationships, and they believed that there is a stigma attached to these long-term relationships at Duke. Elizabeth said that her being in a long-term relationship has definitely impacted the type of people she has remained friends with other course of her four years in college. "I have definitely been treated differently by guys simply because they know I'm in a long-term relationship. Not only am I 'unavailable,' but also I'm in a long-term relationship, which takes on a new meaning. Also, there are just some people you don't feel comfortable around because you are in a relationship and you aren't participating in the 'hook up culture'... they made me feel too serious and mature for college."

Marc entered Duke in a relationship of two years from high school. While he intended to stay in this relationship, he soon realized that the pressures and temptation that go along with a school that places such an emphasis on the hookup culture were overwhelming. He felt that the added pressure of it being a long-term relationship solidified that the costs outweighed the benefits. He said that there is definitely a stigma attached to long-term relationships because "by being in a long-term relationship you are missing out on the 'fun' aspects of the social scene at Duke, which usually involves the hookup culture. I especially think this is a product of my participation in Greek life, which definitely is at the forefront of the hookup culture."

With any stigmas attached to marriage and long-term relationships, many students I talked to seemed to think that there is a separation between college and 'the real world' (after college.) While these stigmas might exist as undergraduates,  many students believed that their life after college would not be subject to these stigmas and 'social constraints.' There seemed to be consensus that social interactions would not be as centered around hooking up, but more towards meeting new people and dating. 

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