Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Hookup Culture

It certainly has been established that, at Duke, there exists a pretty prominent hookup culture. So what does this actually mean, other than the fact that Shooters is swarming with people simply looking for someone to go home with? Does it have any consequences other than creating some pretty awkward situations the next morning?
While the hookup culture may make for some good stories and exciting nights, it also has a more negative, far-reaching effect on the student body as a whole. Instead of intending to establish serious, meaningful relationships with fellow students, many people go out on weekends with the sole purpose of “getting laid”. People brag about their exploits rather than trying to turn them into something more serious. Now I’m not saying that it’s bad to have a little fun, and I also don’t believe that every drunken kiss needs to lead to a lasting relationship. However, wouldn’t it be nice to even believe that was an option?
After being in the culture for nearly 3.5 years, it’s hard not to be jaded about the possibility of relationships. Sure they do happen every once in a while, but for the most part students tend to fall into the same pattern: Get drunk, hookup with a random person, use the alcohol as an excuse, avoid eye contact on the quad. There is very little of the old-fashioned concept of “courting” taking place, and to most Duke students, the term “date function” has supplanted “date” in everyday vocabulary. The idea of taking someone out to dinner with the intent to get to know them better seems like a foreign concept, instead “getting to know someone” has much deeper sexual connotations.
But is this a bad thing? Is it really important to find that one true love during college when there is so much going on in your life? Are the stresses of having a significant other really needed on top of piles of homework, studying for the LSAT or MCAT, trying to find a job and hanging out with friends? I don’t believe that a hookup culture should be completely forsaken for one that simply pressures people into finding that serious relationship, that one person they want to be with forever. Instead, it would be nice to have a balance. I feel like when we all leave the Duke bubble, we won’t have any idea how to function in the real world of dating. It will be a shock to system of many guys who have become accustomed to the fact that they don’t really need to put much effort into getting a girl in bed. And girls will not understand that they should be asking more from a guy and that it is ok to expect dinner and a movie before going back to his place.
I spoke with a male who graduated Duke last year and is now living in a big city. He told me that meeting girls is a totally different story. Where all he once had to do was tell a girl he was in a fraternity and she would practically be begging to come back to his room, he is now finding it difficult to transition into a world of dating, rather than just random sex. He has taken several girls out to dinner, something he said he did only once in college. And I was surprised that he also said he likes this new scene better. The casual sex was tiresome after a while, he claimed. Although he didn’t believe it during college, he now says that taking the time to get to know a girl and actually court her is a lot more fulfilling. I was surprised to hear a guy say something like this because after leaving college he acknowledges that the number of sexual partners he has and the frequency with which he hooks up has dropped significantly. Sometimes all it takes is to get out of a culture like that, he told me, to make you realize what you really want in a partner.
I often hear people of both sexes here complaining that they want more than just a random hookup, but yet no one seems to do anything about it. This, I attribute, to the vicious cycle and the overwhelming burden of the hookup culture. People are scared. It’s really as simple as that. They see their friends having random hookup after random hookup, they hear terms like the infamous “hookup culture” and they see the way other people brush sex off like it’s nothing. People don’t necessarily want to lay their emotions on the table because they suspect that the person they are with wants everything to remain casual. This not only stifles potential budding relationships, but also works to perpetuate the stereotype and slowly wear away at self-esteem. If people start believing that all they are good for is a casual hookup, it becomes hard to value themselves at anything more.
Of course I realize that these are sweeping generalizations, and that not every guy and every girl is partaking in this hookup culture. However, it is clearly a strong enough force on campus to even have a lengthy discussion about it.

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