Marriage and the Duke Hook Up Culture

Marriage and the Duke Hook Up Culture

I think that there are two large thoughts that immediately come to mind when discussing marriage within the context of the Duke hook up culture. First, there is actual marriage at Duke. What are these people’s lives like? How many of them are there? Why have they chosen to get married, or to be engaged? Secondly, there is the discussion of how the hook up culture affects marriage post-Duke. Does the hook up culture leave lasting effects on those that participate in it? Will they ever be able to achieve solid and stable relationships that will one day lead to marriage? In discussing this subject, a lot of speculation is necessary, but there is also the potential to look at alumni and examine their relationships and marriages.
I know a total of three people that for all intents and purposes are basically married. One is a junior male who is engaged to his high school girlfriend who attends school in his home state. One is a senior female who is not specifically engaged, but has been dating the same boy for almost eight years. Finally, I know one senior female who is actually married to someone from Durham who she met while working at a restaurant in the area. I have to say, although these are three unique cases, they are also examples of extreme situations. Not simply because they are not the norm at Duke, but if you examine their particular situations, one sees that they are all very special cases. For the first male, his high school girlfriend and him had been dating a long time, and perhaps would still be simply dating if it were not for the fact that she had cancer. The day that her cancer went into remission, he proposed to her has a signal of his commitment to her. The female who is married had a substance abuse problem her freshman year, spent some time in rehab, and worked at a restaurant instead of attending school. She married a waiter at this restaurant shortly thereafter. I believe it’s safe to say that this is an extreme situation that worked itself out in a particularly unusual way. Finally, there is the girl who is just in an extremely long-term relationship. After eight years of dating, it’s safe to say that these two are extremely committed to each other. Although they have not specifically outlined the future of their relationship, they have expressed a desire to have a future together.
These three examples are definitely not the main stream of the duke dating culture, if there is even a Duke dating culture. Within the hook up culture, there are people who begin to date, but it’s much more common to be “hooking up” with someone than to be fully dating them. To be defined as boyfriend/girlfriend is a strong symbol of monogamy that few undergraduates at this school actually undertake. Therefore, the idea of marriage while still at Duke is extremely unusual. The people that are engaged or married are looked at as extremely unique, and almost bizarre. For a culture that seems to be so obsessed with the immature idea of “hooking up,” finding people who have taken a serious step in devoting the rest of their lives together is very rare.
When discussing the subject of the Duke hook up culture and marriage, one must also consider the lingering effects of this hook up culture on those that participate in it. While it may render someone unable to have a real relationship, it may also just simply render someone to understand what exactly constitutes a real relationship. While most “hooking up” at Duke takes place under the influence of alcohol or some other social lubricant, a real relationship is something that would grow outside of the context of a Shooter’s dance floor. Necessary steps would need to be taken in order to remove the “hook up culture” scene from a real relationship. At Duke, these types of relationships are certainly possibly, but the fact of the matter is that there are forces in place that actively work against this possibility. There is the general understanding and acceptability of drunken hook-ups, thus condoning their existence. It’s also extremely acceptable that after one such hook-up, neither party takes any steps to contact or even acknowledge the other party in the future. Perhaps it’s out of embarrassment, or simply over having very little in common, but someone with whom you may have shared your bed is not someone that necessarily deservers a “hello” in the future. Of course, this is not always the case, and not everyone participates in these types of interactions.
Now, from this we can gather that certain people’s ability to engage in real, loving relationships at Duke may be stunted. Perhaps they are stunted by their particular personalities, or perhaps from the culture that they find themselves surrounded by once at Duke. But, how can we be sure that the Duke social system has some sort of lingering effects? Because the hook up culture has evolved a lot over the years, looking at just alumni may not be sufficient. I think that we would have to look to extremely recent alumni to truly get an example of how the current hook up culture may affect future relationships. Lacking any of these sources, we may have to simply ask ourselves in the future, ‘”how did the Duke hook up culture affect me?” “Am I a different person because of it?” Only time will tell.